The good news is I always leave the festivities the way I got there-alone. Never a naked hottie waking up beside me with the same question on his dehydrated lips: "What's your name again?"

The sad news is I always leave the festivities the way I got there-alone. Never a naked dude...

Getting plastered and smoking cigarettes was always the best way to meet people. And remember the smoker's corner at school? That's where you established some of your best buddies.

But being sober and smoke-free means a lot fewer of these instant friends. It also means I'm paying attention to what people are saying. And it's revealing a lot about myself, other human beings and why being wasted makes you fast friends in the first place.

There's an honesty in drunk talk, where people's inhibitions are lowered and they say what they feel and speak what they mean. None of the structured parlance and appropriate table-manners talk I struggled with at a party on Fifth Avenue last weekend.

A friend threw a Manhattan-in-the-Glebe party where each room was themed after a district in New York City. My group of six was chilling in the posh north-end "lounge" of the apartment when I got the question.

"So ... what do you do?"

Maybe it was the pretence of the appropriated British accent that annoyed me. To look at me, you'd wonder if I hadn't become instantly constipated. I grew agitated. Anyone who knows me knows I don't get "agitated" at bars, but maybe parties were different?

I generally hang loose, and it wasn't too long ago that yours truly was tanked and mooning musician Spooky Ruben, shouting at Danny Michel on stage to take his pants off, or flashing someone on the dance floor at Aloha Room for a fiver.

But there I was, drinking my non-alcoholic beverage and refusing to answer a simple question. The lady compounded my irritability by asking me if I had kids, and whether my male companion was "your husband?"

These questions often come up at social functions after the cordial introductions of names and connection to the host or hostess are made. Most people just provide the answers. What is the big fucking deal, right?

Simply put-I think the stiff "what do you do?" question is ineffective because in its pathetic attempt to bond strangers, it distances and segregates. We instinctively attribute status and repute to a person based on their employment.

I didn't tell the woman that among us were a doctor, a software engineer, a scriptwriter, a columnist, an engineer-slash-musician and a writer-artist. I believe these titles would make holograms of us unique 3D folks who are more than our paycheques and reputations.

What a mistake to attribute too much value to vocational virtue-or vanity-anyway. If folks are genuinely interested in who you are as a person, why not ask about your passions or do like they do at bars-talk crazy talk.

For instance, I spent my late 20s in a relationship with a graphic designer from a top advertising agency, which really impressed people. But it was the blue-collar postman boyfriend with the non-glamorous career who had time for me, hobbies and friendships. It is frustrating knowing society still fawns over the former, but satisfying to know such quiet humility in the latter.

Talk about whatever.

In Europe, people ask you if you've traveled recently on holiday. In the Maritimes, it's been my experience that they ask you how you are-and they really want to know!

Socializing is hard when you're trying to make a good impression. There's something to be said about being three sheets to the wind and not giving a shit. There's freedom in that.

But I'm learning, and for now prefer ginger ale.

GRAB A PIECE OF THE PIE Come schmooze and share with Ottawa's funkiest businesswomen at the Eighth Annual Cherry Pie networking event on November 15 at Metropolitain Brasserie (700 Sussex at Rideau) at 8 p.m. Get friendly tips from the experts on how to turn your passion into a business. Tickets are $8 each, or two for $12. Part of the proceeds go to support Project Chance Africa-raising money for schoolchildren in the Muthare slums in Nairobi, Kenya. For more information, contact catherineknows@videotron.ca.

POP MY CHERRY Come to Venus Envy (320 Lisgar Street at Bank) on November 18 for a night of smut and dirty talk as the Capital Poetry Collective presents Talented Tongues, a night of erotic writing. Featured readers include Ottawa's Suki Lee, Nichole McGill, The Split from Toronto et moi, along with Ritallin, Liz Cullen, Amanda Earl, Melanie Spiteri, Danielle Gregoire, Steve Sauvé and Festrell. This will also be the Ottawa launch of the new Arsenal Pulp Press anthology, With a Rough Tongue: Femmes Write Porn ($21.95 at Venus Envy), and Lee (www.sukilee.com) will be reading from her contributing story, "Through Winter Sun."

Come and let us give you pleasure with our written words. Doors open at 8:30 p.m., $7. Hosted by Lisa Slater and Mary Alice Elcock.

shotgun@ottawaxpress.ca
 
 

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Breaking The Ice..........     I think the question Sylvie you were asked at the party is a classic one, pulled directly from a book like "How To Make Conversation In Absolutely Any Setting". It's safe and certainly not intended to set off alarm bells and make people uncomfortable. Your British acquaintance simply was trying to break the ice and started off with something down the middle. If she had asked you where the strangest place you had had sex was, I would be quivering at the strong armed technique she was using to start things off. I would walk away from that question very quickly, even though the answer would be "in an elevator", but that's only something I would tell someone I knew way better, like you guys. Alcohol is nature's truth serum and having a drink before you go somewhere, unfortunately, does make some people lighten up and open up. It certainly makes me feel less nervous before going out anywhere. Smoking is less appealing, unless someone is smoking an American cigarette, a cigar or a pipe. Then, I have less apprehension around smokers, not being a smoker myself. If I were to miss out on job openings because I wasn't outside in the smokers circles, then c'est la vie. Ultimately, I still find it funny that among, say 10 people currently employed, there may be as many as 7 people who are not working in their chosen field and still waiting for their ideal profession to fall into. Like, I work with people who are need of counselling, employment support and for someone to help them problem-solve on lifeskills matters. Ideally, I would love to work for a professional sports team in marketing, evaluation/scouting or in public relations somewhere. If someone asks me what I do in life, I tell them I help people out and do lots of volunteering in the community. Ideal job aside, tell things like they are and don't feel badly, if you're not able to brag about your job. Everyone has things they don't like about what they do....while they're waiting to get into...say...law school.
Steve Landry	{3 votes}	January 18th, 2006
Smoking & Drinking -- Controlled versus Excess     Yes, there are some great social benefits to be gained by joining other smokers. I remember my partner found out about a great job opening because she happened to be taking a smoke break from a less appealing job with the person who was doing the hiring for the better job! And there can be other bonding activities too besides smoking! Take running for example. I remember being at a conference of fellow statisticians, & some of the best socializing I did was not at the conferences or mixers or in the smoking lounge, but it actually took place among the group of us who went on a 5k fun run one morning (proceeds went to a scholarship fund to promote women in statistics). Of course, being all statisticians, none of us had to ask each other "what do you do"! :) So you've quit smoking & drinking now, eh? Nothing wrong with these activities in moderation. Hey, they're even good for our economy. Moderate consumption is certainly in line with Judeao-Christian teaching: the Bible condones drinking wine, but not getting drunk (excess). But that's true even for eating food -- our Judeao-Christian tradition lists gluttony (excess consumption again) as one of the "seven deadly sins". So in the interest of moderation, may I recommend an ounce or two of Godet (a lovely Belgian white-chocolate liqueur) while you're relaxing after dinner? But yes, there is an almost refreshing honesty that comes out of drunk people, as you point out. And for a night on the town, I have to admit that I would have more happy memories to look back on with an out-of-control Sylvie mooning a musician on stage than with an uptight version who takes issue with an innoncent question like "so what do you do?".
Brad Thomas	{15 votes}	November 15th, 2005
We are what we do... but not just at work     I think I got off on the wrong foot with Sylvie (The Look Of Love -- Aug 18) but she is winning me over. The question is a tough one to avoid when posed -- do you smile and say nothing? Answer evasively? Lie? For my part, I have to be completely backed into a corner to answer this question in the company of strangers. It's not that I don't like what I do. It's just as Sylvie said: there is so much more than this. (a fact, or perspective, which often seems to alienate me with those workmates who prefer to define themselves by title) Not that this is the only conversational shortcut we resort to. Discussing "the flag issue" with various backpackers some time ago, one said something that really stood out for me. "Unless it's critical for safety, it's stupid." Really? -- I asked. Why? "Because it's like wearing a name tag. If you want someone to know who you are, let them ask you." I'd so far not worn a flag patch, and from that moment on, resolved not to. That being said, it always made me happy to spy it on someone's pack and shoot them a quick, reassuring smile. So I guess I'm guilty of a double standard there. And not the only one. Having admitted my reluctance to *answer* the job question, I will admit to asking it on occasion. Some people do some very interesting things, and I think it is unfortunate to assume that no one has managed to find a way to follow their passion for pay. I think it's as Hoisin stated, above. If you're asking because you really want to know, that's one thing. But if it's just to jump into small talk... well, that's for people you don't know and don't want to, or can't be bothered.
Randal Kowalchuk	{19 votes}	November 12th, 2005
What do I do?     I despise this question, I think you really hit the nail on the head Sylvie... When people ask me this question I always want to say, "What do I do? I sing when I think people can't hear me, I hope that I get accepted to lawschool, I try and make time for all my friends, I work, I party, I read really good books, I talk pretty loudly..." etc... On the rare occasion when I have employed this kind of approach, 99% of people just think you're really strange, but then you get that once in a while type who appreciates your fresh outlook. I met someone recently who upon being introduced he asked me what my favourite colour is. Now if you didn't know me, you wouldn't realize that I have an absolute obsession with all things pink, so I thought it was really refreshing for someone to ask me that... unfortunately when he turned and asked everyone else, it just seemed a bit contrived. All in all.... unless you really care about what the person does with their life, don't ask for the sake of asking, it's completely transparent. And for petes sake, when you get an answer to that stupid question, pretend you're interested and ask more questions or strike up a conversation that your new potential friend might be into.
R M	{9 votes}	November 10th, 2005
Two sets of parties     I can relate to going to parties and not drinking or smoking... hell, I'm usually one of the only persons left sober in some cases. The fact that I'm half Japanese and lack the enzymes to break down alcohol might have something to do with it. (Leaving me puking before I can even remember how much fun I'm having trying to get drunk.) On the upside though, I do enjoy other things that some of my drunk friends don't - like remembering the night completely... On the downside at times, I remember the night completely, and know that my friends have made complete asses of themselves and I know there's another place that we'll have to avoid for a while. In the meanwhile, I've learned to make another group of friends with a lot of people who don't smoke and don't drink and get their kicks playing games and having "kid friendly" kind of fun... We have our game nights and adult dinner get togethers - but every now and then letting loose with some of my wilder friends let's me feel as loose as Sylvie says - without the pretenses of work, hobbies etc. Sylvie I think you're making a great but difficult choice - I don't know that many of my smoking/drinking friends could have a good time without their poisons. Infact, trying to have a party where I mixed up both groups of friends left me with a pretty crappy feeling inside - that I had subjected both into an enviroment that left the party to be less inviting.
Maria Muto	{13 votes}	November 10th, 2005
Taking It Easy     I never smoke nor drink so I am in full control of my faculties whenever I attend parties. I feel that with a clear head you can carry on high level discussions of a wide variety of topics from politics to current affairs with people having different interests. I do find that too much rich food diverts lots of blood to your gut away from your brain making it harder to think. It can also be quite painful as your stomach is about ready to explode from all that food which forces you to make frequent trips to the bathroom. Sometimes just taking a Perrier with a few nibbles is the best choice for these gatherings. You need to show restraint!
Stephen Talko	{8 votes}	November 16th, 2005
What do you do 2?     Sylvie your so funny! Now I understand how someone asking "what do you do" among peers could raise ones guard. Being put on a social scale can suck. But perhaps you subconsciously had other feelings for this lady? Getting "agitated" to such a degree that you ignore guest in someones home sounds a little thick-skinned to me. For example you had no trouble telling us who everyone else in the room did for a living? Why was this one lady such a mountain of stress that you needed to ignore her? Ignoring her could be bad (or worse) then just telling her a little something to make her happy. LOL - of course you have the right to ignore who ever you wish. But you should not make people look small because you don't like her questions. But then again she could of had it coming? LOL
Michael LaRocque		November 14th, 2005
Be who you are...     I think whatever makes you comfortable at a gathering, you should do it. but obviously not to the point where you are staggeringly inco-herent to people and things. i think if you can't be yourself, can't remember the evening much or at all...something's wrong. i certainly believe that if you were waking up to someone not knowing your name, there might be something wrong there BEFORE you started to socialize in the "state". Not a good idea with the way males have been committing haneous crimes in this city these days.
Ger Madden	{7 votes}	November 10th, 2005

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