The van: The closest thing to a love magnet for some photo: Ciarán Tully (www.ciarantully.com)

Folks trek vast physical distances or make large leaps in logic to win the ones who make their hearts race. Have love, will travel. Some even do it in diapers to skip bathroom breaks. Think NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak, who avoided the loo to expedite her ambitious drive cross-state to allegedly kill off her competition in a supposed love triangle involving the object of her affection, astronaut William Oefelein.

Then there's globetrotting CFL linebacker Trevis Smith. His public saga dates back to 2005, when he was arrested in Regina for having unprotected sex with a B.C. woman without telling her he had HIV. And yet some of the girls who learned of his dangerous behaviour (including his wife), still desired him.

At what point does lovesick turn psycho?

Should we chalk up overzealousness to mental illness? The problem with that oversimplification is that it perpetuates the myth that people who are mentally ill are undoubtedly criminals. Or deviants. I mean, it's perfectly normal to give oneself up to enslavement, torture, humiliation and sexual assault, just like the character in Pauline Reage's Story of O. Not really? But O did it all for love.

Hell, I even lost it a bit this year. I fell for a man in a travellin' band. Who had a van. Damn band vans. So when I came upon a little greeting card in New York City that had a photo of a white van with the words "I Love You" spray-painted in red along the side, naturally I had to send it my guy's way. After all, it was a sign, right? (Everything's a goddamned sign when we're enamoured.)

A few months later, I might have, myself, spray-painted his GMC with those three little magic words, "Why Didn't You Tell Me You Had a Girlfriend?" Obviously I can't count because how many months went by where he didn't disclose his status and I didn't bother to ask? Exit stage left.

I'm better now, thanks in part to stories of other Ottawans who've done similarly ridiculous things for love:

"A friend of mine was head over heels for this girl and decided to do an interpretive dance to prove his love to her. However, during one of the most erotic and technically challenging sequences, his cellphone rang. As if this wasn't embarrassing enough, it turns out it was this girl he was doing on the side... she was preggers and it was most certainly not planned. He got off the phone and he finished that dance though. Like, he really nailed it." -Setbacks guitarist, 29.

"In grade 5 when a girl I kind of liked said that if I wrote her a poem she'd go out with me, I did. Then she read it out loud to all her friends. She didn't go out with me." -Joe Thrasher, guitarist, 28.

"In grade 10, I was totally loopy over this aboriginal guy. He listened to good music, skateboarded and rode a motorcycle. He resembled the guy from Dances With Wolves, which was very popular at the time. I wrote him a letter after enduring the painful, unrequited crush I had on him for months. Of course, I had a math test the next day, which I was completely unable to study for and failed. I never got a response to the letter, but it's good incentive not to bother with fame, as it's entirely possible he kept the letter and might've sold it on eBay." -Jeweller, 32.

"I once slept in a ditch for three weeks to show that I was serious. But I was only in love with myself." -Writer, 32.

"Love can do crazy things to a man. One summer, I spent a lot of time at a cottage. I fell in love with a local girl and whenever she was around I was like a peacock in full plumage, strutting my stuff and doing my best to stand out. Her dog got stranded on Dead Man's Island and she figured I was the only one strong enough to swim out and get it. I almost drowned and had to be saved by the very girl I was trying to impress. I moved on, but to this day I am terrified of open water." -Big Loser, 30.

Got an embarrassing story? Email Shotgun and we'll print them in next week's mailbox.

shotgun@ottawaxpress.ca

 
 

		Write your comment on this article!

Leaps & Bounds For Zany Love     Love (or is it lust)...ahhh you can't live without it...What makes one so joyous and crazy for love...that I gotta see him/her feeling. The I would do anything just for a glimpse and a little taste of the ecstatic feeling. Hell it is all mind boggling and the human race is a race of love sick puppies. We are all sometimes pathetic. Is one person so much desired from another person that we can't control our ever emotion? I guess so...after reading these articles of love struck idiots...we are all guilty of one of these acts. Admit it...you have done something outrageous for love haven't you? I suppose it is all a game...something to keep are minds alert and working..a way of telling us we are human after all. Please tell me why someone would desire a man who deliberately infects other people? A woman who wears diapers so she can quickly get to her destination to ruin another person's life...these tendencies are not people with love in their hearts for another..these are people who are really sick....they do not compare to the boy who overindulged in showing his girl he was a super hero then couldn't rescue her dog. There are many ways of love and obsession doesn't count. Those funny quirky stories of tease and please are the ones so enjoyable to read. I look forward to the funny and most embarrassing stories that Xpress will show and tell to us all.
Jennifer Berardini	{10 votes}	March 17th, 2007
OK, I'll ask...     ...is this column back, or what? It's been over a month, and it hasn't been updated yet. So much for Mrs. Hill's return, I guess I'll have to rely on Leisure Suit Larry O'Brien for Ottawa's most embarrassing stories.
Andrew Franklin	{1 vote}	April 27th, 2007
Getting Attention     Personally I wouldn't advertise in public. Overzealous is not psychopathic, that would be an absurd assumption but someone stalking you out of being overzealous would definitely get me on edge especially if a loved one was involved. If that desire gets people to write love notes on overhead passes and on sidewalks than that is what people do sometimes . It is the heart talking because if were the mind there would probably be total restraint. Now that we have seen three words out there, more would be challanging and send a more definite message to the person you love or don't . Why people bother with this is probably as a result of the attention they need.
Martin Dansky		April 25th, 2007
Fluff is Nice But...     Another week, and where's the new stuff? Hey, Dietrich - I think they brought her back because this paper is DYING. Fluff like this is pleasant and would make a nice dessert for the more hearty fare that XPress is more and more often failing to provide. The meat and potatoes, Trew's High Bias, the reality-based news columns like Community Garden, and John Akpata's departed column, are getting less and less frequent or are gone entirely. How long until this unhealthy all-dessert diet kills the beast? I suppose we can only wait and see.
Qalu B'nopo	{4 votes}	March 22nd, 2007
I Lust You     Ah the criminally insane. I've yet to cross that invisible line from lovesick to psycho for anyone...maybe someday *fingers crossed*. Lord knows I've listened to enough stories from friends, watched them cry over some guy or girl. While I nod sympathetically I'm screaming in my head "GET OVER IT...YOU'RE SO FUCKING BORING WITH THIS SHIT", but maybe the roles will be reversed one day so I listen.
Josee Lacroix	{1 vote}	March 21st, 2007
Oh Christ, Not This Crap Again!     Why, of why did you have to bring Sylvie Hill back? What are you trying to do to me XPress? Empty, shallow, drivel. We'll all be talking about Anna Nicole Smith next. . . or Britney Spears. I'll let you in on a little secret. No-one cares about how stupid you were! Not even a little bit. Ok, I'll have to amend that - apparently I care enough to write about how much I can't stand reading this garbage from Sylvie Hill. And I'll probably stir up some publicity for her, and bring her defenders out of the woodwork, and regret it. (Any publicity is good, and all that happy crap.) But I have to say this. Go away! And stay away! Now!
Dietrich Sider	{3 votes}	March 15th, 2007
Wow!     Thanks all for the great insights, stories and the superb compliments! :) Mr. Brad, you asked about the Bella Bombs CD, well, it's FANTASTIC! Catch them live in April: 04/06 - Rockets Away (mbrs of The Brains/Ripchords), The Bella Bombs, Machine Gun Dolly (CD release), Skunch @ Cafe Dekcuf (221 Rideau St.) - AA/19+/7pm/$7/$10 - EH, BS, bands You'll probably like PantiChrist as well, from Hamilton: http://www.runningstill.com/pics/PANTICHRIST. Think Maximum RnR (www.myspace.com/maximumrnr) but women. Also, check out Tokyo Sex Whale on Saturday, March 17 at Irene's Pub! They've got a female basist & lead singer so you can get your chick-fix of female rocker power! See you there!
Sylvie Hill	{11 votes}	March 11th, 2007
Sylvie, We Want You, We Want You.............     As Brad correctly stated, you are a beautiful missing link in this whole Express deal and your return makes some of us feel satisfied and more secure knowing that you are back on the beat (not that you went anywhere really, but that we can play with you in the safety of the Shotgun column). Like Ryan Smith wanting to return to Edmonton with the Stanley Cup, you actually stuck around and came back after a well deserved rest with new ideas and lots of "shocking" gossip to share with us, your loyal following. There's probably lots of stories that you'll hear of love gone wrong. Wanting someone who has no ~~~cl...ue~~ that you're chasing their tail and feeling a little embarrassed when they hit you with the "I wouldn't even find one ounce of you interesting so get your creepy ass out of my space"....or something like that. Relationships are part luck, tons of work, many times over deep understanding and patience with each other, trust and loyalty, tons of arguments with zero point, lots of loving and affection, one third misunderstandings, blind faith, fifty-fifty on whether you or they get along with the in-laws, growing old together and getting over little picky things quickly and one huge adventure. Starting over is fresh and exciting but eventually leads to all of the stuff I just mentioned. I look forward to reading all about your many adventures Sylvie, what's with all your relationships with rockers? Are you missing out on something or are you 100 pure groupie-chick?
Steve Landry	{11 votes}	March 8th, 2007
Finally...     The reason why I picked up the Xpress in the first place is back! No more being lazy and reading the on-line edition anymore, I guess. Please don't listen to douches like Barkley up there. The more local papers are out there with solid contributors like yourself, the better the end product will be. Conversely, the fewer retarded trolls who advise authors to commit literary suicide and who mistake their BS opinions that they post on on-line versions of newspapers to be "reviews" or even useful or enlightening in any fashion, the better I'll sleep. Oh, and the dumbest thing I have ever done, girls-wise? Let 3 ex-girlfriends find out about a show I was playing, and telling the girl I was seeing to show up. The results were ... not pretty.
J-P Sadek	{3 votes}	March 7th, 2007
No Respect No Love     But I love him/her!!! How many times have I heard that from people who were trying to justify their toxic relationship. As if, because we convinced ourselves, that we looooooved the other person, then our brain must go out the way. Love is not love unless the way the other person treats us is respectful (OK, I got that on Oprah but it does make a lot of sense). I know it's hard to tell if your partner's behavior is acceptable or not. But if there's no respect there's no love. I have accepted a relationship even though the "loved one" was laying guilt trips on me. But I decided that even though we are all entitled to our emotions, I won't accept someone putting me down. Ever again.
Marc Charette	{2 votes}	March 7th, 2007
Van: Yeah, a Little More Privacy then Say an SUV...     Because those people are stupid. whether they were men or women is irrelevant, but anyone who accepts HIV ridden people fucking around on them...is lower then them for tolerating something that is unacceptable. Yep, Love makes ya do strange and dumb things...I think it's even more dumb though if you've already lived and survived your "Puppy love" stage and still perform outrageous behavior with your mate. Hey nothing worse then groveling or walking on eggshells right people? Keep your dignity if you really are worth it.
Ger Madden	{17 votes}	March 6th, 2007
Sorry     Sorry, but I don't think I'll be sharing my most embarrassing story with residents of Ottawa. Although, I don't think I will mind reading everybody else's story as long as these stories includes some sort of advices about dealing with embarrassment or some sort of finding a sort of grace under pressure!
Valerie Augier	{5 votes}	March 6th, 2007
Welcome Home, Sylvie!     Ya-a-a-a-ay! Shotgun is back! And apparently it is not just a one-time visit, hence the wonderful closing line "Email Shotgun and we'll print them in next week's mailbox"! So Shotgun is back to stay! Whaddaya say there, Steve L.? There's hope for this paper yet! After letting go of John Akpata & Rob Breszny's Astrology, Xpress has brought back something great! Sylvie you were missed! Your personal narrative style is so different, it is like a breath of fresh air -- so unpretentious, so willing to resort to self-deprecating humour (the "how-could-I-let-this-happen-to-myself" variety). So is falling in love a bit insane itself? Oh sure! But then how boring a world would it be if we had act 100% sane all the time. One of my favourite romantic comedies is the 1980s "Moonstruck" with Cher & Nicholas Cage. All those moments of craziness (Cher's spending spree) & wrong choices (& Nicholas's speech about how we're in this world to f#ck things up, not make things better -- global warming naysayers take note). As one of my critic friends pointed out, it celebrates the lunacy of love. And of course, where does the word "lunacy" come from? It was a French theory that cycles of the moon were connected to insanity. And "lune" is French for moon. (Even now, how often do we think twice about heading out at night if there is a full moon in the sky?) So as you saw, in your infatuation with a taken man (the "taken" part being unbeknownst to you), you are in good company for lapses of judgment. It's just part of the game. And that's just the "love" part. There is another part, "lust" which also causes lapses of good judgment. One fridge magnet I enjoy is one of a well-groomed 1950s couple where as the man looks on the lovely lady, the thought balloon above the man's head says "Can't think ... blood rushing to penis". We guys know that one! So welcome back Sylvie. When are you going to review the debut CD of the Bella Bombs (released last Dec.)?
Brad Thomas	{7 votes}	March 5th, 2007
It will be Interesting...     It will be interesting to see what our fellow Ottawans have to share. Definitely looking forward to next week's mailbox.
Dave Burn		March 27th, 2007

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