This year, I choose to believe in you. And because I have been good (I really have been very, very good), you have to bring me what I want.

Firstly I want all of the good boys and girls to get a copy of Kerheb, my full-length CD of poetry and music, completed with support from the Canada Council for the Arts. Also, I want to see my CD in the hands of Ottawa's DJs, so that a remix CD will be available for the spring of 2006.

For Uncle Paul, I want you to bring him Maude Barlow's Too Close for Comfort: Canada's Future Within Fortress North America. Hopefully he will read this book and realize that selling Canada to the New World Order is going to be nothing but trouble and bad times for the entire nation. He also needs a copy of my CD (I am pretty sure that he will get a kick out of the track "Kanada Day").

Santa, before you come to Ottawa, make sure that you first go to Haiti, Sudan, Rwanda, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan and anywhere else that you may find people suffering under the yoke of the New World Order. Bring them to Rideau Hall when you touch down in Ottawa. There are plenty of facilities for food and shelter for people, not to mention plenty of green space for your reindeer to take a breather. Bring Michaëlle Jean some new camcorders and editing equipment. She can put together a documentary about how and why these refugees came to be. Once the Canadian public knows all the dirty little details (like RCMP and JTF2 involvement) I am pretty sure that they will demand solutions to these problems.

I would like you to bring one barrel of nuclear waste to Dalton McGuinty, and every other politician in the world who thinks that generating carcinogenic and toxic waste that lasts for thousands of years is a good idea. In addition to his barrel, please bring Junior Bush an extra large bag of pretzels - something he can choke on.

Lastly, I will need one late gift for myself. I want a seat in Parliament. I want to win the next federal election. I want $144,300 per year as my base salary, plus an additional $30,000 per year to be the leader of an opposition party ($50,000 for the Official Opposition, and $70,000 for the PM himself). Plus, I want 64 first-class return tickets anywhere in Canada for myself and a designated family member.

With the money, I will pay off all of my personal debts, loans and outstanding bills. After that, I am pretty sure that I can give away $100,000 per year to people who need it more than me. Hopefully the election won't mash up your schedule.

Peace,

John Akpata

P.S. Please fill my compost bin with some reindeer droppings. I bet that the manure of flying magical creatures will do wonders for my garden.

House of Trouble will not be available during the election campaign. The editor's got too much integrity. My CD is available at Crosstown Traffic, Organised Sound, Compact Music, On Deck, CD Exchange, Record Runner and NORML Clothing.

hot@ottawaxpress.ca

 
 

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Hawking Good Messages.......     I get the sense this year, that although retailers are once again in our faces this year, as we approach Xmas, my kids at least, have decided to contribute money that would have gone to buying presents to a few notable good causes this year. Don't ask me how exactly it started, because they, like all the other kids in our communities, are exposed to literally hundreds of sales pitches to buy the new robot that does this or the battery operated doll that can do that. Is it perhaps a change in their desire to not want everything their friends have? Apparently so. Some of their friends either share their same "give to the needy" philosophy or have really scaled back their Xmas lists this year. Let's not forget how difficult 2005 has been globally, the tidal wave in January to the recent Canadian kidnappings in Iraq the other day, and all of the mayhem created by the back-to-back hurricanes, this globe has been beaten about this year. And, I guess in a very small way, we as parents, have a role, scratch that, an obligation, to show kids that just because something gets pushed across their tv sets at them, and that they then bug and annoy their parents to get them under the Xmas tree, there's nothing wrong with saying: "We'll see, Maybe, or No". Kids will live if they don't have the latest Britney Spears nursing doll, or the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction doll. What's the worst thing that can happen to a child if they don't have all the gadgetry stuff their friends have? Instead, I always prefer to hear about kids singing Xmas carols in Senior Retirement Homes, making care packages of school supplies to be sent to 3rd World Countries that are so much in demand, or take all of their spare change collected throughout the year and drop it off at the Snowsuit Fund or the United Way or to a place that makes somebody else's day a little brighter. Perhaps the article by John Aktapa is an attempt at self-marketing, but the space could've been better used.
Steve Landry	{40 votes}	December 5th, 2005
Remixes and Christmas Lists     Hey if you are really interested in a remix, email me at Tjololo@gmail.com That aside, I would just like to say how nice it is to see one of these "Miss America" style Christmas lists, and I say that with all sincerity. I have found this year that Christmas is more commercial and more selfish than ever. Perhaps it's because I'm getting older, or maybe it's because I'm working retail (gag), but whatever the case, I'm getting sick of all the pressure to buy buy buy everyone happiness. Isn't there any satisfaction to be had from things that aren't "things"?! I wonder why it is that the things we ask for have to be plausible, possible things? Why is it so frowned upon to ask for things like "worlde peace" or "social justice" or "equality for all"? Is it because it gives false hope? Because maybe if enough people start asking for these things on a whim, suddenly they will realize that they are plausible, possible things, provided we are willing to sacrifice other all-too-plausible things, like three cars and a four-bedroom house? I wonder if the greed will ever end. I hope it will. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Best Wishes to all. PS: Reindeer droppings would do wonders for your gardens, particularly if they have been well fed with carrots (which is what we used to leave for the reindeer, next to Santa's cookies). Just watch they don't nibble on your hedges!
Christina DeCurtis	{18 votes}	December 3rd, 2005
Well Alain, I Guess You Were a Better Boy than John was     ... because you got your wish. It's a minority government! But John didn't get to be an MP. I had no idea that John was running for the Marijuana Party. My apologies to all those within earshot when I laughed after getting my ballot (I live in Centretown) & seeing his name by the Marijuana Party. That did make my day! Thanks John. Oh, & Valerie, you're right about Santa not being able to make much of a difference to those places. Even if he could make all the war & misery stop on 25 December, once he is gone by 26 December, then all those imperfect & selfish human beings are back in control, & guess what -- the war & misery would just start all over again. Congrats to Christina & Steve & Steve's kids for seeing beyond the greed, & for trying to open the eyes of the rest of us. May you never be discouraged. Christina -- I hope you survived Boxing Week! John, I hope you enjoyed your break. I look forward to hearing how your CD sales went while you were away. So will your CD be up for auction at www.ottawaxpress.ca?
Brad Thomas	{1 vote}	January 25th, 2006
Toxic Waste     Santa should know that energy and toxic waste are complex issues. The burning of wood and coal over many centuries has polluted the city air and contributed to air pollution disasters like the one in London over 50 years ago. Hydroelectric power dredges up the sediments at the bottom of rivers causing the levels of pollutants to skyrocket. At least in the case of nuclear generated power, only clouds of steam are released from the cooling towers. As scientists get smarter we will be able to neutralize the radioactivity of spent fuel and store it deep down in the earth. By the way the sun which sustains us all is an ongoing thermonuclear reaction. Santa knows we are sometimes too quick to judge.
Stephen Talko	{3 votes}	December 27th, 2005
An election under my Christmas tree...     Dear Santa, I wish this election will end up again with a minority government, whoever the winning party might be. I have this wish because I want the next government to be very cautious in his actions and decisions, to have in mind there are in power from the people's will so they will properly behave without scandals and arrogance. Santa, don't even bother with my ballot vote to be carried under my Christmas tree: I damn well know how to handle the matter and where to put my mark in the ballot vote!
Alain Gauthier	{1 vote}	December 10th, 2005
Dear Satan.. er uh , I mean Santa:     Dear Santa: I have been a real good person this past year. I know last year I was bad because I kept going around saying Me@#$Y Chr!$+#@$ to everyone. And I'm even more ashamed that I sang "O Canada" at the Senators game the previous year.But I am asking for your forgiveness, for just going right out of line, when I attended the Remembrance Day Ceremony at Confederation Square. I know it was Year of the Veteran, and being that my grandfathers and uncles fought for this country, I should have stayed at home. Oh, yes and I almost forgot , I did give some money to a homeless person. I swear to ________( fill in the blank) that all my greetings this season will be monosyllabic as not to offend anybody. All I will ask this year is for John Akpata and his Marijuana Party to be elected so that December 25th for years to come we can all wake up to our stockings filled with weed. And I feel that soon we will be shunned for putting up a tree so we might as well be able to smoke it. Rudolph shouldn't be the only one with his nose glowing so bright.
David Fairhead	{5 votes}	December 8th, 2005
A dream...     I am certain that Santa visited all these countries last year! Also, I am sure that he must have been sadly surprised by what's going on in this world. But, even though, he returns to places like Haiti, Sudan, Rwanda, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan , I am not quite sure he could make any difference in order to stop war and poverty, helas!. Although, If he succeed, I will definitely start believing in him, again!!!
Valerie Augier	{2 votes}	December 6th, 2005
After the election     I am looking forward to comments that John Akpata might make about the election and the results. He is "holding his tongue" right now so, let him speak out, let him reveal his thoughts, let us have a laugh or two. What might the future hold with the new Team Canada on the "sacred" grounds of the Hill?
Louis Reeves	{1 vote}	January 13th, 2006
Re: Dear Santa     No House of Trouble column during the election campaign? Wow, I would have thought Mr. Akpata would have relished the chance to give a few extra kicks his favorite whipping boy "Uncle" Paul Martin. Oh well, at least he got a chance to hawk his CD before taking a powder.
Andrew Franklin	{10 votes}	December 2nd, 2005

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